I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
