Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
