Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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