actually, I'm a sock model
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
