I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
