A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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