Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
