is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
