yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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