How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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