I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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