why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
