I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
