I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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