Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
