guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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