i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
