you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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