I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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