threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
porn star boner night. come get it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
