im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
