I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
