i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
