Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
