he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm just crazy horny about you
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize