Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
