Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
