My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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