Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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