Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
