So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
