He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
