My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
