Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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