she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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