Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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