and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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