I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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