Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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