can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
