An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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