just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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