you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
