i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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