I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
