Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
not ubering you a puppy
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
