im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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