i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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