I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
