You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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