imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
