Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
