My Higher Power is John Stamos
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
