im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
