Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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