tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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