my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
