Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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