That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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