I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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