I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
